Food Addiction

Something I really didn't want to admit to myself let alone to anyone one else, but here it is : I am addicted to food. I suppose, in a way, everyone is. You have to eat to live, you can't survive without food. But, my addiction is the unhealthy kind. Now, I'm not the kind of person that goes into McDonalds and orders an insane amount of food to eat all in one sitting. Actually, I can't really eat all that much at one time, especially since I had my gall bladder out. But, I am a grazer and I do it all day long. I don't really think about it and I never thought it would make much of a difference because I usually only eat one meal a day. But, when you start paying attention and logging everything you eat, boy, those calories sure add up. It would probably be different if what I was eating was carrot sticks and celery as opposed to cheeze its and brownie bites, lol. So, I'm in the process of trying to change what I "graze" on. And it's hard. I love my cheeze its and I'm a hardcore chocoholic. What makes it harder, tho, is when you have a partner that is a total sugar addict and thinks that he is showing his love by bringing home cakes, pies, chocolates etc. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but ***sigh*** he just doesn't understand. And I know damn well that I shouldn't eat that crap, but that stuff to me is like crack to a crackhead. So, how do I explain to my beloved that, as much as I appreciate the sentiment, he's killing me. I tell him he's making me fat, he's says "You're beautiful, I love you ". I feel blessed that I have a man who accepts me the way I am, but I wish he'd buy me flowers instead of food, lol. I can say that one good thing I've done is, I've given up soda. Completely. I now only drink water and if I have to have something other than water, it's Vitamin Water or Mio. I haven't drank soda in well over a month, probably longer. And I don't miss it. My next goal is to eliminate the rest of the sugar. Easier said than done. I don't buy it, but somehow, it always ends up in my house. Like the the stuff has a mind of its own and sneaks in when I'm not paying attention. It's a real challenge when the rest of your family isn't on the same page you are. Can anyone reading this relate? How did you deal with it?

Something has to change...

Hi :) My name is Jessica. The purpose of this blog is kind of to keep track of and share my weight loss journey. In doing this, maybe I can somehow encourage others who also struggle and maybe those who read this can relate and encourage me:) I've been struggling with my weight since the birth of my first child, over 17 years ago. Before I became pregnant, I weighed 128 lbs. By the end of that pregnancy, I had gained over 100 lbs. It took me several years, but I did manage to lose 75 pounds, only to get pregnant again. This time, I only gained 20 lbs. I didn't lose it and I'm pretty sure I gained a few more before becoming pregnant with my 3rd child when my daughter was only 15 mos old. I gained another 20-30 lbs during this pregnancy. Over the next 9 years, I was on a weight loss /gain roller coaster. By the time I became pregnant with my 4th child, I weighed 320 lbs. While I was pregnant with her, I was ill, so I actually lost a little, 307 lbs after delivery. 3 weeks after I gave birth to my daughter, I had to have emergency gall bladder removal. After this, my weight has skyrocketed out of control. About 6 weeks ago, I discovered that I am pregnant yet again. My weight at that time was a whopping 375 lbs. This sickens me. I cannot believe that I have allowed myself to become this overweight. And now, being pregnant, I'm terrified that I'm going to gain even more. I cannot allow that to happen. I'm happy to say that I have lost 10 lbs as of my weigh in at yesterday's Dr. appt, so that's a start. I have quite a few challenges that make it difficult for me to lose weight. One being Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes, having bipolar disorder isn't so bad, I lose massive amounts of weight when I'm in "manic mode". I don't have much of an appetite, so I don't eat the crap that I normally eat when I'm in "depression mode". I have loads of energy, so I'm constantly on the go and I hardly sleep. It's great. But then, I settle back into "depression mode" and I return to all my bad habits and the weight comes piling back on and then some. It's a vicious cycle. And medication only makes it worse. If anybody reading this has any suggestions for natural mood stabilizers that don't mess with your head and contribute to weight gain, I would be eternally greatful ;) Everyone has different reasons for wanting to lose weight. My reasons are because I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of feeling disabled. I feel like I have to depend on everyone around me, including my children, to do the simplest things that I should be able to do myself. I feel guilty that I am not able to take my kids to the park and actually play with them instead of sitting on my fat ass and watching from the bench. Bottom line, I want to be healthy. I want to live my life. And I don't want to be the cause of embarrassment to my children. I honestly couldn't care less about what people think of me. They either like me for the person I am or not. My fat does not define me and if someone doesn't like me because I'm overweight, well, screw em, I don't need or want shallow people in my life anyway. However, nothing is more painful than seeing your children suffer because some brat is making fun of them for having a fat mom. It's heartbreaking. So, this is it. The time is now, time to take control of my life and get healthy. For myself and for my kids. One day and one pound at a time. Wish me luck :)