Something has to change...

Hi :) My name is Jessica. The purpose of this blog is kind of to keep track of and share my weight loss journey. In doing this, maybe I can somehow encourage others who also struggle and maybe those who read this can relate and encourage me:) I've been struggling with my weight since the birth of my first child, over 17 years ago. Before I became pregnant, I weighed 128 lbs. By the end of that pregnancy, I had gained over 100 lbs. It took me several years, but I did manage to lose 75 pounds, only to get pregnant again. This time, I only gained 20 lbs. I didn't lose it and I'm pretty sure I gained a few more before becoming pregnant with my 3rd child when my daughter was only 15 mos old. I gained another 20-30 lbs during this pregnancy. Over the next 9 years, I was on a weight loss /gain roller coaster. By the time I became pregnant with my 4th child, I weighed 320 lbs. While I was pregnant with her, I was ill, so I actually lost a little, 307 lbs after delivery. 3 weeks after I gave birth to my daughter, I had to have emergency gall bladder removal. After this, my weight has skyrocketed out of control. About 6 weeks ago, I discovered that I am pregnant yet again. My weight at that time was a whopping 375 lbs. This sickens me. I cannot believe that I have allowed myself to become this overweight. And now, being pregnant, I'm terrified that I'm going to gain even more. I cannot allow that to happen. I'm happy to say that I have lost 10 lbs as of my weigh in at yesterday's Dr. appt, so that's a start. I have quite a few challenges that make it difficult for me to lose weight. One being Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes, having bipolar disorder isn't so bad, I lose massive amounts of weight when I'm in "manic mode". I don't have much of an appetite, so I don't eat the crap that I normally eat when I'm in "depression mode". I have loads of energy, so I'm constantly on the go and I hardly sleep. It's great. But then, I settle back into "depression mode" and I return to all my bad habits and the weight comes piling back on and then some. It's a vicious cycle. And medication only makes it worse. If anybody reading this has any suggestions for natural mood stabilizers that don't mess with your head and contribute to weight gain, I would be eternally greatful ;) Everyone has different reasons for wanting to lose weight. My reasons are because I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of feeling disabled. I feel like I have to depend on everyone around me, including my children, to do the simplest things that I should be able to do myself. I feel guilty that I am not able to take my kids to the park and actually play with them instead of sitting on my fat ass and watching from the bench. Bottom line, I want to be healthy. I want to live my life. And I don't want to be the cause of embarrassment to my children. I honestly couldn't care less about what people think of me. They either like me for the person I am or not. My fat does not define me and if someone doesn't like me because I'm overweight, well, screw em, I don't need or want shallow people in my life anyway. However, nothing is more painful than seeing your children suffer because some brat is making fun of them for having a fat mom. It's heartbreaking. So, this is it. The time is now, time to take control of my life and get healthy. For myself and for my kids. One day and one pound at a time. Wish me luck :)